The maid of honor just puked.
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
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