cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
Randomize
