There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
