i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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