I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
If its called oral, why is it so hard to talk?
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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