she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
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