Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
..now you can marry chaz and be in cher's family..
yeah n i dont have to pretend to be into chicks to do it now...
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Do it break your family into faction start a civil war
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
