Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
