We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
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