dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
Randomize
