Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
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