Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
I have a number of responses, ranging in content, tone, and maturity. Choose your destiny...
Randomize
