I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
idea:have a jello shot stand(opposed to lemonade stand) to raise money for spring break
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
Cops just came and got two guys out of my class. I can't do college. Seriously cannot rage at this school anymore.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVEâ€
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
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