lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
But break dance skills will only take you so far
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
Randomize
