Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Randomize
