I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
i just saw a white kid with an afro using a martini shaker as a coffee thermos. go college.
I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
we just fucked in the mcds parking lot
wasnt he a virgin
yes we got celebratory milkshakes after
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
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