She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
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