I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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