god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
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