Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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