My sheets look like a crime scene.
apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Randomize