Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
I guess when I black out I feel that it's not inappropriate to grope my gf in front of her parents.... But hey at least I'm starting off 2013 single
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
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