Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
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her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
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