I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
do herpes really smell.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
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