i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
no more hot dogs for you........
fine no more vajj for you
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Randomize
