guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
Randomize
