you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Randomize
