I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
you didnt know i had herpes?
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
Randomize
