Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
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So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
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God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
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