When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
So after the reception we snuck back into the church for drunken hook up. we passed out there and woke up in time for 6am mass still dressed from the wedding. spiritually trashy or classy?
areolas are like halos for boobs.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
Randomize