We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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