guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
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