Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
Randomize
