My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Randomize
