the condom got lost in my hair
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
