How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
He made me ask permission to to cum and it made me cum.
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
Randomize
