All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
they just started talking about wanting to bang stephanie tanner from full house
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
Threesome in a minivan. New low
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
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