the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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