the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
you could tell him that chauvinism doesn't go very well with his gay homemade tank top
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Randomize
