Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
