final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
Randomize
