I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
My spanish teacher discovered you can watch spanish music videos on youtube. Guess what were doing in class today? Michael Scott Spanish 101
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
