I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
