I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
Randomize
