you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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