Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
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