you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
her bf's celebrating 10 yrs of service at kfc...it's safe to say all the good men are taken
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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