walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
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