The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
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Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
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I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
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