Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
I feel like I would bang a guy with a dick piercing just to say I have...like climbing a huge mountain or somethig
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
I just found a bag of teeth...
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
