i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
Randomize
