I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
