I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Randomize
