Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
So all semester this guy and girl have been talking, and today is the last class and we are doing nothing. I would have skipped but I want to see if he seals the deal or pusses out. It's like a season finale.
We had sex on my friends waterbed ..after that the whole school kept asking him if he had fun getting "sea-sick" last night.
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
Randomize
