k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
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