I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
Randomize
