we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
