What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
He literally asked permission to hit on me
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
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