i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
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