I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Everything is just really out of control. I hear puking from three different parts of the house. Roger has black eye from being punched. Kaiser tried shaving his head, but somehow burned himself. Music is bumping, but everyone is either puking and calling out for help or blacked the fuck out.
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
Randomize
