But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
not ubering you a puppy
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
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